76 Funny Pirate Jokes That’ll Hook You Right In

It doesn’t matter what kind of a mood you’re in—if someone launches into a series of pirate jokes, it’s impossible not to smile. It’s also impossible not to immediately switch into pirate-speak yourself, ye salty sea dog. Arrrrr! See what we mean? Well, lucky for you, we’re about to dive into some swashbuckling humor that’s guaranteed to kraken you up.

And no, you don’t have to wait until International Talk Like a Pirate Day on Sept. 19 to break out these beauties. Yes, that day is the perfect excuse to go full buccaneer with the best jokes about pirates, but there’s no reason to keep these puns locked away in Davy Jones’s locker for the rest of the year. Life’s too short to ration your laughter.

So get ready for your very own treasure trove of pirate jokes that will entertain your fellow landlubbers, scallywags and knaves—and, of course, yourself. Read on for some silly, clever and downright hilarious pirate jokes for adults and kids that will definitely (probably?) not result in you having to walk the plank.

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Funniest pirate jokes

• What’s a pirate’s favorite cocktail?
  Yoo-hoo and a bottle of rum.

• Why did the pirate crew stage a mutiny?
  The captain needed to be taken down a peg.

• What happens to pirates who can’t cook?
  They wok the plank.

• How does a pirate become a lawyer?
  They have to pass the barnacle.

• What did the parrot say when he needed an investor in his new business?
  “Polly want a backer?”

• What do you give an anxious pirate?
  Davy Jones’s beta blocker.

• What is Blackbeard’s favorite TV show?
  Anything as long as it’s pirated.

• What’s a pirate’s favorite reality show?
  Below Deck.

• Why do pirates wear a patch over their missing eye?
  Because if they wore it over their good eye, they wouldn’t be able to see.

• Why do sharks love pirates?
  They make the best chums.

• Where do pirates invest their treasure?
  Charles Swab.

• What’s a pirate’s favorite font?
  Arrrr-ial.

• Why wouldn’t the pirate admit he was drowning?
  He couldn’t fathom it.

• What’s a pirate’s favorite meal?
  The pasta of Penzance.

• What’s a pirate’s favorite schoolyard game?
  The three-pegged race.

• What’s a pirate’s least favorite exercise?
  The plank.

Pirate puns

• At the kraken of dawn.

• A pier-less collection of pirate jokes.

• It’s a plunderful life.

• Seas the day!

• We’re shore you’ll love these pirate jokes.

• An oar-inspiring experience.

• Watch out for pirates—they’re assailing ships.

• Aqua-holics.

• Schooner or later.

• Doubloon down!

• Abso-loot-ley!

Pirate jokes for kids

• What does a pirate say when he cuts down a tree?
  “Shiver me timmmm-ber!”

• Who is the best pirate chef?
  Captain Cook.

• Why couldn’t the crew play cards when the captain was around?
  Because he was standing on the deck!

• What’s a pirate’s favorite vegetable?
  Arrr-tichoke.

• What’s a pirate’s least favorite vegetable?
  A leek.

• Why don’t pirates have wooden swords?
  Because they wooden work.

• What has twelve legs, twelve hands and twelve eyes?
  Twelve pirates.

• Which part of the ship stinks the most?
  The poop deck.

• How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
  An arm and a leg.

• What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
  A rookie.

• What does a pirate eat for breakfast?
  Cap’n Crunch.

• What did the pirate say during the blizzard?
  “Thar she snows!”

• What’s a pirate’s favorite animal?
  An arrrrdvarrrrk!

• Where can a pirate always find gold?
  In the dictionary.

• Why do pirates like swimming so much?
  They love all the cannonballs.

• What happens when pirates throw books into the ocean?
  They get a title wave.

• What happens when a pirate throws their hat into the ocean?
  It gets wet.

• Where do pirates play video games?
  The arrrrcade!

• Why does the pirate carry his sword?
  Because swords can’t walk.

Pirate dad jokes

• What does a pirate call his ex-wife?
  His first mate.

• What does a pirate look for in a woman?
  A peg leg and lots of booty.

• How does a pirate go on vacation?
  In an arrrr-V.

• What’s a pirate’s favorite car?
  A fer-arrrr-i.

• Why doesn’t the captain let the other sailors sleep in his bunk?
  Never on a first mate.

• Where does a one-legged pirate eat breakfast?
  IHOP.

• What did the pirate order at IHOP?
  The Rooty Tooty Fresh n’ Booty!

• When is the best time to buy a pirate ship?
  When it’s on sail.

• What does a pirate wear on Halloween?
  A pumpkin patch.

• Where can you find a pirate who’s lost his wooden legs?
  Right where you left him.

• What is a pirate’s favorite body part?
  The booty.

• What’s a pirate’s favorite Bond movie?
  Goldfinger.

• What’s a pirate’s favorite type of music?
  Arrrr & B.

• What’s a pirate’s favorite song?
  “Bootylicious.”

• What happens when pirates fight on the beach?
  Sand-to-sand combat.

• What do pirates do when their ship gets sick?
  Bring it to the dock.

• What’s a pirate’s favorite restaurant?
  Arrrr-by’s.

• Why couldn’t the little pirate watch the movie?
  Because it was rated arrrrr.

• Why was it rated arrrrr?
  Because of all the booty.

• What does a pirate use his phone for?
  Booty calls.

• What do you get when you cross a pirate with a great white shark?
  A great white shark.

Pirate one-liners

• Not many have heard about the legendary Egyptian pirate named Captain Jack Pharaoh.

• A pirate came to my birthday party, and I’ve been robbed before, but this one took the cake.

• In case their ship sinks, every pirate carries a bar of soap with him at all times—to help wash him ashore.

• The pirate knew his sword needed to be sharpened, because it was a cut-less.

• You never see pirates crying because they’re private-tears.

• Pirates never get married because they don’t want to be tide down.

• Pirates always bury their treasure 18 inches underground because booty is only shin deep.

• When the pirate heard that eggs marks the spot, he put a chicken on top of his treasure.

• Pirates never need to go on vacation because they already get all the arrrr and arrrr they need.

Why trust us

Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. For this story on pirate jokes, Laura Beck tapped her 15-plus years of experience as a professional humor writer for TV shows and magazines. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.

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