15 Essential Things Stepkids Wish Their Stepparents Knew

The days when stepmothers were automatically cast as villains are (thankfully) long gone. Today’s stepparents are navigating more thoughtful, complex roles. In fact, nearly half of all Americans have at least one step relative in their family, according to a Pew Research Center survey. But forming a healthy, lasting bond takes more than just moving under one roof. The success of these blended families often hinges crucially on the relationships between the kids and the adults stepping into their lives, which is why it’s so important to understand the things stepkids wish their stepparents knew, especially in those early, delicate stages of connection.

And while it’s true that blended families present some additional complications at first, welcoming new family members also presents new opportunities for love and care, says Monique Honaman, co-author of Bonus Dad! Bonus Mom!  “Children should never feel as if they have to choose one parent over the other,” she says. “Whenever possible, kids need both parents and stepparents engaged and active in their lives. Parents should do all they can to assure their children that they still have access to both parents, without any guilt, and that no sides need to be taken.”

But that’s from an expert. What about the kids themselves? We asked stepchildren—some current, some grown—to share the real, unfiltered things stepkids wish their stepparents knew. Read on for some honest truths straight from the ones who’ve lived it.

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Sometimes you are exactly what we need

Forget the stereotype of the wicked stepparent—some stepmoms and stepdads are godsends to children who’ve already been through a lot. “My stepdad, who I simply call Dad, filled the role of [a] father the way my biological dad, who was an alcoholic, never did. My dad showed me nothing but pure and real love and affection from the time he met me,” says Lacey C. of Denver. “Never once have I ever felt anything less than 100% his daughter.”

You can be an incredible ally

Some of the most beautiful step-relationships happen when the new stepparent doesn’t try to assume the role of mother or father but instead carves out a special niche with the children. “My stepmother taught me that there was room in my life for nonparent adults, that she could fill a different role than my mom, essentially as another adult ally,” says Amanda S. of Memphis, Tennessee. “Because of her, I had a richer, fuller life.”

Things go better when you don’t divide along marriage lines

It can feel normal and even safer to stay within the new marriage lines, particularly if the divorce was acrimonious. But when it comes to the children’s well-being, it works so much better if you can cross the marriage divide, Amanda says. “I learned that sometimes a parent and stepparent could work together for my best interest,” she explains. “I wish I could tell my parents that sometimes your most important ally could be the other co-parent—and not your spouse.”

I was traumatized by the divorce

Next on the list of things stepkids wish stepparents knew is the impact of divorce. It is one of the most traumatic experiences a child can go through, and it’s important to recognize that the new marriage doesn’t take that pain away. “I wish my stepparents understood that the divorce of my parents was a trauma,” says Karen A. of Waterford, Connecticut. “When my parents divorced years ago, no one understood emotional trauma and how to deal with it, so we suffered a lot.“

There’s no such thing as an instant family

The Brady Bunch may have been a fun show, but it wasn’t exactly realistic when it comes to showing how tough it can be to blend two families together. “I wish my parents and stepparents understood that you can’t just mash people together into the same house, call it a family and hope it all works out,” Karen says. “It takes a great deal of work and messiness and compassion and time.”

Try to include the other parent

“My biological father disappointed me time and time again, but my [step]dad was always there to pick up the pieces,” Lacey says. But even better, he made an effort to help her maintain a safe relationship with her biological dad. “My [step]dad never said a bad word about my father and always made a point to invite him to dinner if he was in town and would always include him in everything. As a kid, I really appreciated it, but as an adult, I’m filled with gratitude for the sacrifices he made for me.”

Calling yourself my dad doesn’t make you my dad

A title like Mom or Dad has to be earned, and the child will let you know when you’ve reached that status, says Quish T. of Minneapolis. “The one thing I wish my stepdad could have understood is that just because he married my mom didn’t make him my dad and therefore he didn’t automatically get dad privileges, like my love,” she says.

Stepchildren are more likely to be victims of abuse

One heartbreaking statistic many people don’t realize is that stepchildren are far more likely to be victimized. Stepkids are five times more likely to be victims of sexual or physical abuse, according to a study published in Violence and Victims. Additionally, men are twice as likely to abuse stepchildren as they are their biological children, according to a separate study published in Psychology of Violence. “I wish I could have told my stepfather that he didn’t have the right to put his hands on me, but I was a child and didn’t have the words then,” Quish says.

You’re the kids’ role models for marriage and divorce

No child wants to repeat the mistakes of their parents, but divorce is very common, including among people whose own parents split up. As a stepparent, you’re not only your stepchild’s model for a healthy marriage but also for divorce. “My stepmom taught me valuable lessons about how to handle a divorce through her actions, both good and bad,” says Michelle K. of Columbus, Ohio. “Years later, when I was going through my own divorce, I was able to look at her example and decide what to do and what not to do.”

The worst thing you can do is talk badly about the other parents

You likely have some hard feelings about your spouse’s ex, but while it’s fine to vent them to your best friend, your pastor or your therapist, the one person who should never hear them is your child, Michelle says. “I heard so many hurtful things said about my mom from my stepmom,” she says. “Each hateful word she said hurt me deeply.”

You can’t demand respect

Respect—who gets it and how it’s shown—is a big deal in most families, but can become a key issue in blended families. Unfortunately, simply telling the kids to respect their new stepparent didn’t work for Monica C., of Phoenix. “I’m not going to just grant you my respect,” she explains. “We need to build a relationship, and you need to earn my respect, not just demand it.”

We don’t want to feel like the “other” kid

While some kids want to keep their distance from their stepparent, sometimes it works the opposite way—much to the detriment of the kids. “I wish my stepdad understood that I just wanted to be part of the family. He married my mom when I was only 2, and yet he introduced me as ‘Julie’s daughter’ for my whole life,” says Michelle S., of Omaha, Nebraska. “I never, ever felt like I belonged.”

Sometimes I just really miss my biological parent

For many children, a new stepparent isn’t just an addition of a new person; it can also feel like a loss of the relationship with their biological parents. When Lizzie E. from Seattle lost her dad to cancer, her mom eventually remarried. Although Lizzie genuinely liked her stepdad, his very presence was a constant reminder that her biological dad was no longer there. “I hope my stepfather understands that it’s not his fault that I’m mad that he gets to hold my children and not my dad,” she says. “I hope he understands that, even though I want to, I can never be as close to him as if he were my real dad because it’s just a reminder that I can’t have my own dad back.”

I’m not a competitor in your relationship

“Right off the bat, my stepmom saw me not as a child but as competition for my dad’s attention and affection,” says Callie M. of Baltimore. “I wish I could have made my stepmom understand that I was not a threat to their relationship. It really poisoned things from the beginning.”

We see all the little things you do for us … eventually

Children, especially when they are young, will miss a lot of the dynamics happening between the adults. But someday, those kids will be adults, and perhaps parents, themselves and will see you in a whole new light, Lacey says. “I found out later that my bio dad had never sent a child-support check, but my stepdad knew I would be heartbroken, so he mailed one to our home every month and put my dad’s name on it,” she says.

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Sources:

• Pew Research Center: “A Portrait of Stepfamilies”
• Monique Honaman, co-author of Bonus Dad! Bonus Mom! and managing director of Portfolio Talent
• Violence and Victims: “Stepchildren, Community Disadvantage, and Physical Injury in a Child Abuse Incident: A Preliminary Investigation”
• American Psychological Association: “The step-father effect in child abuse: Comparing discriminative parental solicitude and antisociality”

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